 fter I hung up the phone, I was shocked and upset, yet I was also excited for my father and his wife. At 82 years of age, dad was making a decision—in my mind anyway—to improve his life by moving to a healthier climate. He was making a fresh start.
 Most seniors take months to decide to move. Not my father. When I was younger, he would come home and announce at the dinner table that he had found a really nice house and that our family were moving in a couple of months. Yet, somehow, this move out west struck me as very impulsive. Not a word had been said to his kids. I gather though that dad and Mary visited Vancouver Island during one of the sunniest winter months in a long time and that the unusual weather affected his decision.
Dad and Mary moved to Courtenay Comox in the summer of 2004, and they have had good and bad days during this move. Following are a few thoughts that I’ll share with you. Keep them handy for when your parent chooses to make a fresh start.
Deciding to move
Health is probably the number one impetus to make a housing change. If a person cannot take care of basic care needs or is unable to physically get around his or her home or apartment, then a move to a smaller environment, a seniors’ complex or a care facility may be the right choice.
My father was finding it more difficult to get around (I suspect he is in the early stages of Parkinson’s disease). Winters were especially hard on him. He would often be housebound for days. He lived in the north and during some winters, the snow reached the second-floor windows. Dad and Mary realized that they wanted to be outside more often and that living in Ontario was not going to do that for them.
Other older adults move because they have recently lost a partner. Or someone has just retired and the house is now empty without the kids. Or maybe a new marriage has prompted a decision to change housing. Regardless of the reason, moving is one of the top five stressors for people of any age. (I worked for eight years as a relocation counsellor and saw hundreds of families move around the world. The stress and toll on all members is enormous).
|
|
The right move
Below are a few questions to consider when helping a parent move.
SPACE
– Is privacy an issue?
– How much will an extra bedroom or den cost?
– Will more than one bathroom be needed?
– Is there a garden or outdoor space available?
COMMUNITY
– Is the new city or town the right place for your parent?
– Is there enough culture, activity and things to do?
– Is public transportation easily accessible?
– What eldercare supports are in the vicinity?
– Are there decent hospital and health care facilities in the area? |
|
Determining space
It turns out that it had always been Mary’s dream to buy a new house and furnish it. The community they moved to had lots of new open-concept bungalows that were geared to older adult lifestyles.
What I don’t think dad or Mary realized is what a change it is to live in an open-concept house. Because the living room, dining room, kitchen and den do not have walls in dad and Mary’s new house, they can hear and see everything that is going on.
My father likes to read quietly; Mary likes to watch TV. And because she is going deaf, she has it turned up quite loudly. Their house in Ontario had several small rooms, one of which was a den/office and another a TV room. Each person had their own space and could retreat to it as needed for some privacy. In an open-concept house, there is nowhere to hide except the bedroom. The new layout has resulted in some tense moments between the two of them.
I think people should carefully consider the space they will need in the new location. (See The right move for more helpful tips.)
Missing friends and family
It is taking some time for dad and Mary to settle in Comox. I think they miss the support network of friends and family they had in Ontario. I think they underestimated the time and effort needed to make new contacts in a strange city. And I think they did not realize how hard it is to live with the same person 24 hours a day, seven days a week. If your parent is considering a move, you can research the new community to determine if there are resources to meet your parent’s needs as they age.
Moving time
It amazes me how much people dread moving. Then, once they decide to move, they make it as difficult as possible. Downsizing and moving furniture and household belongings is emotionally and physically draining for anyone, but especially so for a senior who may have some physical limitations. There are several things you can do to reduce the stress, but you cannot eliminate it.
My first recommendation is to pay professionals to help. Many people balk at the cost of paying for something that “anyone can do” and think they can get friends to help. (For example, I argued with my siblings when my mother moved. I had arranged for a moving company to come in and help with packing, moving and unpacking. I was going to send my mom on a small trip while I would co-ordinate the movers and set up her new apartment. It would have taken three days at a cost of about $2,500. My siblings decided that this was too much money and that they would do it with a friend who had a truck. What a disaster. The friend could only work during the week, and my siblings were only available on the weekends. My mother spent three weeks packing up her belongings beforehand and a couple of months unpacking it all. At the end of the process, she was exhausted.)
 There are also professional organizers who will come to the house and help sell antiques and dispose of items to charities. When we sold my father-in-law’s house in New Brunswick, we called in a company who gave us $2,000 for everything. They came, took what they could sell, allocated many items to charity and then took the rest to the dump.
Dad and Mary tried to sell their personal belongings because they wanted to make a fresh start in Comox. Some items could have gone to their kids, but they thought they could get good money for their furniture. They overestimated the value of the household goods they had and underestimated what they would need in their new house. The result was a financial disaster: many items that could have been moved across Canada ended up being given away or sold cheaply and then replaced at a far higher cost.
Keeping in touch
A five-hour flight is a long trip and costs a lot of money, and the distance makes it
harder to maintain contact. But with e-mail and telephone, my siblings and I are keeping in touch with dad and Mary. Three of us have actually visited the couple. I was one of the first to go out, and I helped them find a community centre and the local library, and I helped them sell an unneeded second car and reviewed their budget. I also found a fabulous seniors’ centre on the harbour and determined that the library was fully stocked and open many hours. Nonetheless, the cost to fly out west is prohibitive, which means that some of my other siblings cannot afford to visit—especially those with young children. And dad and Mary are missed. The good news is that they came for a visit in late fall 2004. If your parent decides to make a fresh start in a new place, you can make it somewhat easier by learning why they are moving, by researching the new location, by finding services they might need, and by encouraging them to pay for services to make the move easier. Even if you don’t want your parent to go, you can respect his or her decision and find a way to keep your parent in your life, even from a distance. •
Barbara Carter is the National Program Director of Scotiabank’s ABCs of Fraud program and the Principal of Papillon Consulting Services. |
|
